i sat down to start writing this up at around 7pm, but the words just weren't coming to me like i'd have liked them to so i thought i'd give it up as a bad job, and here i am now at 11.25pm fumbling around with my thoughts to try and get something written down that makes sense.
it's been a while (a pretty bloody long while, actually) since i cried myself to sleep, but it happened earlier on in the week. i've mentioned previously that i've been feeling a bit bummed out, and it's just kept building up since and the other night i just kind of snapped a little. of course it always feels great to let it out, but while laid in bed wallowing in my own self pity, i had a thought that really opened my eyes. i was thinking about how horribly lonely i felt, but wondered how that was so when over the summer i've reconnected with old friends, made a handful of new ones, and generally i've just been pretty busy with plans seeing people that matter to me, and that's when it occurred to me: loneliness is internal, not external.
it seems so silly and obvious now i type it out for myself to read, but it felt like such a giant wave of realisation hitting me to finally understand that i feel so terribly lonely because, to be honest, i'm not really my own friend at the minute. i've let myself go, physically and mentally, and altogether it's just making for a total lack of self love, confidence, and in turn the drive to want to get back on my feet and work again on my relationship with myself.
i feel like i've been falling down this hole for a while now, and i'm hoping that i've finally hit the bottom, because then at least if i am then at the bottom i can start to plan my way out. i'm feeling confident because i've done this before, around this time last year i went through a bout of self loathing, but with a bit of drive and determination to better myself, i got through it and things were fantastic for so long.
i just felt like i needed somewhere to air all these thoughts, and my blog seemed like a pretty appropriate place. i often feel uncomfortable discussing my feelings with people face to face because i can't quite make sense of them myself, so to have a place to air them that doesn't demand a direct response or judgement of some sort really is comforting.
i'm working on it. it might take me a while, but i'll get there.